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I make videos on YouTube. Sometimes I post stuff here, too. (And I reblog pretty much every pun I see. You have been warned.)
Okay so I sent a condensed version of this story on the anonymous feature, but I figured I should tell you the story in full and let you revel in all it’s glory.
This story is quite old, keep in mind. Like this was when 3.5 was still new, when the Order of the Stick didn’t even have 100 pages. I may have forgotten some details.
Anyway, before I get into the tale properly, I’ll tell you of the people involved. First there’s the GM, of course. He was a good 5 years older than us at least, the friend of a friend of a brother kinda thing.
Next there was the moron player. He was playing an elven rogue in a leather bikini and half of his character sheet was about how sexy she was. She was originally supposed to be a trap expert and our go-to trap disarmer, but at the last second he decided to be an assassin. He also played chaotic neutral. I have nothing against people who play chaotic neutral characters but I think you can guess what kind of player this guy was.
Then there was the munchkin. Yeah, we had one and they aren’t fun, especially when they don’t know how to munchkin. He played a human or a dwarf cleric (I forget which) and was lawful neutral. He spent most of the prep time saying he’d channel positive but then suddenly it turned out he was channeling negative because “he didn’t want to be stuck on healing duty”. I think that he read on a forum something about clerics being really strong and decided to play one without actually reading about what makes them powerful.
And finally there was me, playing the half-elf wizard, neutral good alignment. Also in the party we had a lawful neutral dwarf fighter, due to the lack of reliable frontline fighters (because the cleric had min-maxed strength, wisdom and charisma. Like I said, no idea what he was doing) and because we only had 3 players. The dwarf fighter was loyal to my character for saving his life. The munchkin was quick to complain about how unfair it was I got a companion, to which the GM explained was because I had the worst HP and no armour.
It was probably this (and the rejection of the munchkin’s first character sheet. He “forgot” we were using the point-buy system instead of his “lucky” dice) that made the munchkin try and derail the campaign as much as he did. I don’t know how he got the moron to go along with it, but he did. He also tried to get me to go along with it, trying to claim that the GM was being unfair and a bad GM.
We started the game in a town, having received a message from the dwarven king that he wishes to employ us on some hush-hush work. We are in the town and asked what we are doing before the scheduled meeting with the king.
Me: I’m browsing the dwarven libraries, trying to see if I can find any scrolls or magical tomes.
Munchkin: I’m er, just doing the same.
GM: You’re a cleric, you don’t-
Munchkin: Fine! Jeez, I’m praying in the temple.
Moron: I head to the tavern and try to seduce the barmaid.
(The seduce-the-barmaid thing from the suddenly bisexual rogue would become a thing over the next 3 sessions).
So after a lot of groaning from the GM as the moron didn’t get the hint the the barmaid wasn’t interested and he was not going to provide him his fetishes, the party was gathered to an audience with the king. Because this was top secret, it was just the three of us and the king. Guess what happened?
Moron: I draw my longbow and shoot at the king. *Nat 20’d*
The GM’s jaw hit the table, he kept his temper however and demanded an in-character-reason. Props to the moron though, it was a good one. Apparently his character was hired by one of the dwarven nobles who wanted the throne. So the GM asked for 10 minutes to “do some number crunching” which I would later learn was his way of saying “I need to improvise.” The Cleric and moron celebrated this victory and I was just groaning and calling them both idiots.
The Cleric and Rogue then held my character hostage, forcing my loyal knight into being loyal to them and that caused an hour long debate over whether the cleric lost his powers for deviating from his God’s laws. It eventually came to the conclusion that all along the munchkin’s cleric was a secret spy of some god of evil, planted to help the assassin kill the king. This meant their characters were now lawful evil and chaotic evil but they didn’t seem too hung up on that.
So with me as hostage, they both escaped the dwarven stronghold and props for the improvisation, because the quest was now a fugitives-on-the-run-to-the-border quest with every official after them. Of course, the other two just started dive-bombing everything they can. The rogue went from a sleep-with-anything sex goddess to a borderline rapist, the cleric suddenly worshipped a God of death and destruction instead of lies and secrecy and wherever we entered a village we left it in flames.
Soon, the GM left a hint for me before the third session, that while I’m leveling my wizard up, maybe I should learn “Plane Shift”. I was actually planning on quitting the game honestly, but the way he said it made me stick around and follow his advice.
During one of the nights when the players were camped out in the wilderness (we were basically the most wanted terrorists at this point, we couldn’t even approach roads, let alone towns), my character was given a “prophetic dream” Instantly the cleric demanded to know and argued as a cleric he should know. He didn’t have any mind reading spells though, so he just sulked as I recieved a note. The moron asked what it was and I pointed out my character was still asleep, so couldn’t do anything.
So in the morning, we got into our first battle with some innocent villagers. I won initiative, so I tapped the fighter on the shoulder and cast plane shift. As you can guess, an hour of argument broke out. The cleric argued that he should be able to notice something like that. The GM argued back that at the start of every battle, I cast mage armour on the fighter and there was nothing different. He then demanded a spellcraft check to identify I was casting a spell. He failed fortunately and my wizard and his faithful ally were free from the cleric and rogue.
So while they slaughtered the villagers, I joked about playing a Paladin who would bring these two to justice, mainly just to annoy the munchkin because I knew what was gonna happen next. The moron asked what time it was in-game, to which the GM answered “11:59am”. Of course the munchkin performed every roll he could think of. Spellcraft, sense motive, hide, spot, bluff… Before he decided on casting every single defensive spell on himself he had prepared (which wasn’t a lot).
Eventually, the GM asked for reflex checks from the pair. I think the cleric got a natural 20 while the rogue failed, so the cleric got the damage halved. While the cleric laughed at the GM for failing, he simply asked
"What is half of 2098?"
Then the GM revealed the whole scenario. Because the players had killed the king, they were never hired to help deal with the cultists in the sewers. Because they never fought them, they never discovered the continent-wide conspiracy. Because of that they could not stop the summoning of an eldritch abomination, because of that, the entire continent was destroyed by this monster in the blink of an eye.
This provoked the first and only time I’ve seen a player physically assault a GM. However, the munchkin was about 13 at the time and being 5 years older, the GM didn’t really have a problem. They were quickly banned for that aggression too.
Oh and for those who think this ending sucks, fast forward to about 2010 with the GM back out of college. He gave me a call, wondering if I wanted to join some of his new friends in a game. When I agreed, he asked if I still had Jaerin the Azure’s character sheet. I did have to re-roll him, but an epic quest began as my half-elf wizard was joined by an elven druid, a human paladin, an elven ranger, a dwarf cleric (who actually healed) and a human rogue/bard in a quest to vanquish the great evil that had taken over the continent (the GM ret-conned the destruction and turned it into domination). Along the way, we had an epic court case where we had to prove my character was innocent of killing the dwarf king and in the process we revealed that NPC dwarf fighter who was still loyally following me on the elemental plane of air was in fact the missing prince and heir to the throne. We also tag-teamed against the cleric and rogue, because their employer the evil dwarf noble was now a mindless puppet of the great evil. Best game I ever played.
Today, I bought this book (for my sister, lets clarify that now ‘cause the only way I’m going anywhere near sperm is if I fall into a vat of it):
OF THE BRILLIANT:
STUFF IT HAS IN IT:
It’s like it was written by Lemony Snicket!
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